Who knew?
I was talking with a friend recently about a particular situation in which we have on occasion found ourselves, a situation that is somewhat problematic, and to which there is no obvious solution. I would love anyone's opinion on how to handle this, or if you've ever been in a similar situation how it was resolved.
This particular situation is characterized by conflicting interests, conflicting people, and difficult choices. It might not be that common, but I'm sure many of you have experienced this to some degree. The specific situation I refer to is when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and friends who do not get along, or who are jealous of each other, or in extreme cases, absolutely can not stand each other and never want to see, much less hear of, the other.
It seems to me rather difficult to have a healthy relationship, either a friendship or romantic relationship, if you can't be open about the things that are important to you, and have to eliminate an entire section of your life from conversation. You might think this is an extreme response to having a friend and bf/gf that don't get along, but if you really dislike someone, or think they aren't good for someone you care about, or are jealous of their influence, hearing about them isn't going to make you too happy.
So it's stressful for everyone, especially the person in the middle. You worry that if you bring up your friend/bf/gf, you will offend the person you're talking to. But you also worry that if you say nothing, they will get suspicious, or jealous. There's also the challenge of not saying anything about someone who is an important part of your life. You have to toe the line carefully between how much to say and how much to leave vague in order to pacify potential irritation or distress.You have to be careful about what you talk about and what you bring up. You have to be on guard at all times (at least if you want to be considerate of either your boyfriend/girlfriend or friend, and keep them in your life).
If you're like me, and have a strong sense of guilt and a desire to not only be as open and honest as possible but to please everyone, certainly the people you care about, this is a true dilemma.
But as bad as the lack of communication is, being forced into the role of bad guy is potentially worse. Every time you have to choose between seeing your gf/bf or your friend, you potentially get flak from the other. There is no "right" choice, and you are constantly forced to appease your own sense of guilt or the people you care about. You are forced to choose between remaining a good friend to someone, meanwhile hurting the person you're with, and making the person you're with happy and sacrificing a friendship. Both feel like crap.
This is thankfully not a super common occurrence. Most people are fairly understanding, and even if they can't stand your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, they don't expect you to stop seeing them or hanging out, and will support you as long as you're happy. Many people would in fact say that if you get anything less as a response, then the friend/boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth your affection anyway. But I've been on all sides of this in my life, and you can't control how you feel, or how someone's actions affect you.
Anyway I don't know how other people manage these kinds of situations, or if indeed you can have a long lasting relationship or friendship in the face of these obstacles, but I'd love to hear from anyone who has experiences to share. I've been lucky to have fairly understanding people in my life, but this has come up in the past, and having a friend go through a similar situation just had me wonder if anyone had any insights into this kind of people handling.
Tough stuff!
ReplyDeleteI think in the end it comes down to your level of commitment to each person and each relationship. When my husband and I were just dating, we each had relationships with other people that we each found a little unsettling. He was still good friends with his ex-girlfriend from high school, and I was good friends with a guy from one of my classes that I just thought was awesome (and still do).
In the end, we both agreed to tone it down. I stopped hanging out with my guy friend, and he stopped talking with the ex-girlfriend so much. I'm pretty sure the ex-gf still way hates me, but that's fine with me.
In our situation, we only did this after we got engaged. And if he'd asked me to give up a good friend before we got engaged, I wouldn't have. The difference was that we had that commitment, and I knew that at that point, I was more committed to him than I could ever be, or want to be, to my friend.
Just two months before that, though, when I wasn't sure if I would want to spend the next few months (let alone years/decades) with this guy, I would have been really upset if he'd asked me to tone down a friendship.
And honestly, at that point, that would have been stupid for him to ask. Say we'd broken up after that, and I'd sacrificed my friend for him. That would way suck! Total lose-lose.
But after we'd come out and agreed that yes, we were committed to prioritizing the other one for the rest of our lives, it didn't make sense to not put the other's needs first. We got engaged, and I drove over to my friend's house and told him we weren't going to hang out anymore.
In the end, it's worked out. It was awkward at first, but now we're still good friends. He was understanding--and what's not to understand? When you commit to someone, you commit. Dating was one thing, but engagement and marriage was a whole other thing, and he respected that I wanted to put my future husband's needs and feelings first. And so today we're still good friends, even though we don't talk a lot and we never hang out.
Long story! Sorry. But to sum up--I think it comes down to your priorities and your level of commitment. If this boyfriend is a guy you would commit to for the rest of your life, ditch the friend. It's not worth sacrificing your partnership over a friend.
But if you're not sure that he's The One, I'd say, keep doing what you're doing. Until you're committed, and I mean fully committed, you have an obligation to keep some doors open for yourself, and to make your needs your top priority.
Let's put it this way: when there's a ring on your finger and invitations in the mail, you have an obligation to put his needs first. Until then, you totally don't. And actually, you have an obligation to put your needs first. That isn't to say you should be inconsiderate, but it is to say that you shouldn't close the door on a beloved friendship for the sake of a relationship that has no guarantee of lasting.
Man, I don't think that comment was long enough... ^.~
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