Introversion

One of the many reasons I started this blog was to attempt to open up somewhat. As I mentioned in my first post, I like knowing more about my friends and people in general, and perhaps others would like to know me as well. Thus I think I might share something, other than an anecdote from my life, that has recently been on my mind.

I am introverted. I mean that in the live-in-my-own-world way, not in the I-hate-people way. Being around a lot of people for a long time is draining, and being by myself is necessary for my mental well-being. I don't really like crowds. I don't often like big parties. Actually, wiki gives a pretty good description of introversion: "...'the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life.' Introverts are people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction."

Wow. That sounds pretty bad actually. "...concerned with and interested in one's own mental life." I can hardly think of a better way to say self-centered. Hm perhaps openness isn't the best idea...

I feel a little explanation might be necessary. When I say that being around a lot of people is draining, I don't mean that I always dislike being around a lot of people, or that every time I'm with a group I wish I were on my own. I simply mean that I usually prefer smaller groups to larger ones. Wiki's description is pretty accurate to me, but only interpreted in the spacey way, rather than the self-centered way. If I'm not paying close attention to the things or people around me (which is pretty pretty often as I'm sure you know), it's not because I don't care, but because I'm thinking of other things. They probably aren't more important or interesting things even. I may not be thinking of anything at all. It's just easier to live inside my mind, if that makes any sense, than in the outside world. Paying attention to all the people and things going on around me takes effort and concentration. It's not unpleasant, but it can be a challenge.

Anyway, I believed my introversion was a perfectly obvious characteristic of mine until I thought about it for a couple of seconds. If you'd asked me a year ago, I probably would have said I was as extroverted as they come. I like people. I like meeting new people, and having conversations, and learning about people. I want to be a doctor, and interact with lots of different kinds of people every day. My primary activity is lindy hop, a social dance. Not only do I meet new people all the time, but I go dancing with large crowds, often in crowded spaces, on a very regular basis, and enjoy it.

It wasn't until this year that I really did some reflection and made sense of my introversion. It clicked though. As a kid I preferred reading or playing in the woods by myself to playing with others most of the time. I never liked parties, even in high school and college. I rarely make friends quickly. I tend to get cranky after a night out, although I enjoy it at the time. I get quiet in crowds of people. I love wilderness and one-on-one conversations. I tend to eat lunch by myself at work.

Most of my life I was convinced my introversion was actually just weirdness. I thought, "Maybe I am just socially awkward, and people are too nice to say anything about it." (Actually, that may really be the case, and I'm just using introversion as a nice excuse...). But that didn't really make sense. I have good friends, and I'm not particularly shy.

So introversion it is.

Which might be a surprise to many people, as I've said. A good many of my friends are people I've met dancing, and since they tend to see me most often at crowded dance halls, with lots of people around, and being energetic, I can see why my introversion is not so obvious. But even my best friend doesn't think me too introverted (then again, we tend to hang out one-on-one, and go camping and such, so it doesn't really come up much).

Because of this possible misunderstanding about myself, and the nature of being introverted, I worry. I worry my friends will be hurt when I choose to stay in rather than go out, assuming it's personal. I worry I will lose the friends I have because I don't spend all my free time with them. I worry people will be offended by my lack of overt cheeriness at a party, or think me bizarre for wanting to read at lunch.

This worry is somewhat tiring, and a little sad, and probably mostly unwarranted. After all, my friends care about me and want me to be happy, I'm sure.

But the fact remains that I still find introversion somewhat unusual, or besides the norm. It's not something we really celebrate as a culture. It's not exactly looked down on, but it also isn't admired. When you think of leaders, role models, the kind of person your parents and teachers (maybe) encouraged you to be, you think of someone who is outgoing, the life of the party, who makes friends easily, who works well with others and likes being around people. It seems to me like our culture does generally celebrate extroversion over introversion. People who like to spend time alone are weird, or loners, and there is something wrong with them. They aren't "normal." Which is why I thought myself pretty bizarre for a long time (okay, I know I'm weird, but I'm weird for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with introversion).

It all makes me wonder, are there really many fewer introverts than extroverts? Or do us introverts just learn to hide it better, and pretend? Or am I just unaware of the many other introverts out there because they are out on their own doing stuff rather than hanging out with me?

Anyway this whole train of thought brings me to something else I just recently thought of. It would be great if our education somehow included something about psychology, even if only the most basic concepts like introversion and extroversion. Up until fairly recently, to my great chagrin, I was under the impression that most people are pretty much alike, and I should probably treat people as I like to be treated. There are lots of traits that all people share simply by grace of being human. Nausea is bad. Laughter is good. Smiles generally indicate happiness. Everyone needs alone time. No one likes planning. When someone is upset you should probably leave them be and they'll get over it. Right?

I could go into some rather awkward and perhaps amusing stories here on how these assumptions screwed me up in the past. (Ok, I won't lie, I still have these problems all the time, and if you can recall any, you should probably remind me, because I've been feeling way too secure lately). Maybe I will save those for another post. Suffice to say that treating other people how you would like to be treated doesn't always work. There are people, for example, who hate to be alone, as baffling as that seems to me. There are also people who like talking on the phone, and planning, and loud noises and crowds (also baffling). And the world would be incredibly boring without them, and I would probably be short many friends.

Perhaps I am the only person who remained for so long ignorant on this point (not that unlikely). Maybe it's something we all need to learn on our own, and through experience. But I for one think that if someone had explained the concepts of introversion and extroversion to me as a child, and perhaps told me that different people like and dislike certain things, and why, then life would have been much easier and kinder. I could have spent middle and high school experiencing emotions other than confusion, for example, and possibly avoided just a few middle school taunts.